Rules 3 and 4: Always Double on Eleven and Hedging is for Losers

If you’ve ever sat down and played blackjack anywhere, chances are that you’ve been lectured by some asshole about you not hitting when you were supposed to hit or staying when you weren’t supposed to stay. Maybe in some of them, you were that asshole. I certainly have been. The reason all of those people, well, certainly at least some of them, felt confident enough to make such bold declarations about your play is that the game of blackjack is relatively solved. What does that mean exactly? For every combination of cards you or the dealer might have, some nerd out there has figured out exactly what you should do. It’s so solved, in fact, that said nerds have compiled those scenarios into an easy to read chart, referred to…
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2018 NFL Worst Bets

It’s officially NFL Regular Season eve and wouldn’t you know it, I’ve been spending all of my writing time trying to perfectly capture the rise of Taylor Swift from starlet to Queen. So, given that, I’m really up against it here. Let’s dive right in. As always, all odds from Sportsbook.ag. Passing Yards Leader – Patrick Mahomes (25:1) Mahomes reminds me a lot of other big, athletic quarterbacks who have had a lot of success with Andy Reid masterminding their offense. He’s going to be slinging it a lot and Tyreek Hill is going to stretch a lot of 30 yard gains into 70 yard touchdowns. As usual, I’m betting someone with a little bit longer odds. I only have to hit one of these every three years…
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Divisional Round Pre-Mortem

Picture yourself nearly a month from now. You’re sitting in front of the television anxiously awaiting the start of Super Bowl VLXLI (or whatever the Roman numerals are for this years affair in Minneapolis). As you watch the teams take the field, you can’t help but think back to the games over the last few weeks. As you slip into a wing-induced coma, presumably not seeing your favorite team running onto the field, you ask yourself a question: where did it all go wrong? Believe it or not, the five or ten (or fifteen) beers you drank have given you the ability to think like a nobel prize winning psychologist. Well, more or less. The point is that you’re asking the right question, just… not necessarily at the…
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Let’s Keep This Up

A few interesting things happened in the NFL last week: Matt Stafford threw 4 TDs (MVP) The Patriots lost to the Chiefs (over wins) and looked vulnerable doing it (Field against Pats to win SB) The Jets look as bad as advertised (Jets under) The Packers beat the Seahawks (no money, just fuck the Seahawks) Let’s keep this up! There were other things I wanted to write about this week. Roman Reigns and John Cena are on fire. Kevin Owens might have had the most interesting segment in months. The new season of Bojack Horseman dropped and gave me a horrifying glance into the looking glass of the future. My thoughts on the new Kesha album (flame emoji out of flame emoji). But, man, watching those games play…
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2017 NFL Betting Lightning Round

Do you hear that? I know you do, I hear it too. That is, in fact, an echo from in the distance made by two huge men colliding into each other, shortening their life expectancy and increasing their overall risk of brain injury. That’s right folks, it’s football season! Starting this Thursday night and rolling all the way into Februrary we’ll be able to witness the greatest sport in the world (sorry other football) unfold in front of our eyes each and every week. And what’s the best part? No, it isn’t the thrilling bombs or the bone rattling hits, it’s sports betting my dudes. And with that, I’m going to begin my yearly tradition of being wrong and costing everyone foolish enough to listen to me a…
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Betting the NFL Draft

On Thursday night one of my favorite events of the year goes down: the NFL draft. Fun fact about me – I love drafts of pretty much any kind. Well, except for the apparent impending draft related to World War III… that one I’m not so jazzed about. But the rest of them, they’re great. And the NFL Draft is at the top of the heap. Another fact about me that you already know is that I fucking LOVE gambling. So this is a rare opportunity to stick my piggish little face in two very tasty troughs at the same time. It’s one of my favorite double dips of the year for a few reasons, chiefly because though the draft itself is good enough, gambling always makes everything…
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Heartbreaking Wisconsin Sports Losses (Ranked)

Last Saturday’s gut wrenching loss by the Wisconsin Badgers Men’s Basketball team made me feel, if I might speak frankly, like shit. But as I was stewing in my emotions and wondering why the universe is such a cold, bitter place I realized that I wasn’t including the words “uncaring” and “meaningless”, and that was an improvement. Maybe I was starting to get used to this. I wondered, foolishly, why that might be the case. And then the memories started pouring in… the horrible, horrible memories. Visions of heartbreaking games past flooded my mind. I couldn’t necessarily single one of them out, but I knew there were a lot of them. Some bullshit hail-mary, some bullshit three pointer, some bullshit home run, another bullshit hail mary. A real…
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Wait… what?

I want to start this off by wishing my sincerest condolences to my incredible betting strategy of always bet against Blaine Gabbert. I suppose, like all good things, it was destined to come to an end. And if it hand to die to anything, I suppose I can take some solace in the fact that the end of Blaine had to come in order to progress the incredible story of Colin Kaepernick. With last week’s victory, I move to 4-1 in my locks, but now I’m drifting aimlessly without any sort of plan. Or am I? If I can’t bet against the team competing against Blaine Gabbert, maybe I can bet against the man who is competing against him. The narrative is here people, and my money is going all in…
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Meeting Expectations

It’s time for more gambling talk. Let’s consider this: 1) Blaine Gabbert is the starting Quarterback for San Francisco 2) Homefield advantage doesn’t matter much for the 49ers 3) The rushing game favors Dallas in what should be relatively low scoring 4) Blaine Gabbert is the starting Quarterback for San Francisco 5) The 49ers are still jelling under Chip Kelly’s offense 6) Dez Bryant not playing impacts this line, but he’s been a relative non-factor in 2 of their 3 games. 7) Blaine Gabbert is the starting Quarterback for San Francisco 8) The 49ers one win is against Case Keenum. I don’t care if he ran up the score on Tampa Bay, I’m not playing that game. He’s Case Keenum. That reminds me 9) BLAINE GABBERT No sir, I, much…
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Quick Observations

For those of you who watched the WWE’s Cruiser Weight Classic, you might have seen an image that should not surprise you if you read this blog. The King of Kings has taken another step in his grab for power and extended his presence to the cruiserweight division on RAW. For those of you counting at home, he’s now been directly responsible for the crowning of 2/5 of the champions on RAW. He’s doing whatever he can to expand his power now that its seemingly been usurped by his wife and Mick Foley. Anyways, enough pro wrestling for one week. Let’s check in on those gambling predictions from last week: Lamar Miller rushing title – Currently leading the league Cowboys to have worst record – 0 and 1 Kirk Cousins…
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